


What Are Parshendi

by hoid_washington



Category: Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: And decided to do so by making her characters confused, Author just really wanted to get back into writing, Crack, Dalinar is stressed, Elhokar has no idea what he is doing, Explicit Language, Gen, Hoid is a bastard, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, If brandon ever finds this i will move to siberia and become a hermit, Minor Dalinar/Navani, Minor Shallan/Adolin, Quotes from WAP, References to sexual acts, Renarin craves death, Song: WAP (Cardi B ft. Megan Thee Stallion), The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, What Is Wrong With ME, slightly cursed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27906190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoid_washington/pseuds/hoid_washington
Summary: Elhokar asks his cousins what WAP stands for. Chaos ensues.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 24





	What Are Parshendi

**Author's Note:**

> Ok guys I can explain
> 
> Me and my friend have this AU where Adolin is a TikToker. This fic started out as the idea of Adolin doing the "play WAP for your parents and see how they react" trend. And then that turned into "Adolin forces the entire Stormlight cast to listen to WAP", and after a while this happened.
> 
> To Brandon, I am so sorry. To everyone else, I refuse to apologize

"Hey, do either of you by chance know what a WAP is?"

Renarin froze, the box he had been fidgeting with almost tumbling from his fingers. He glanced at Adolin, who had been flipping through the latest folio from Liafor. He now set it down, a mischievous smile on his face.

_Oh, Stormfather._

Elhokar stood in the doorway with arms folded, unaware of the disaster that he had just invited his cousin to wreak.

"Where did this come from?" Adolin asked.

"Wit, of course," Elhokar said. "He used the word in an insult, and refused to explain what it means. I was...curious. The context of the insult was quite strange. I tried to ask Jasnah what it meant, as she is the smartest person I know, and she threw me out of her office."

"It's a song," Adolin said. "Wanna hear it?" His face was innocent, but Renarin knew his brother well enough to _hear_ his shit-eating grin.

"Adolin, no," Renarin said, trying to be the voice of reason. "Elhokar doesn't deserve this. And besides, I have heard that song one time too many."

"Nonsense!" Adolin was already reaching for his phone. "WAP can never be listened to enough times! _And_ I was asked to by his Majesty himself."

Renarin groaned and slumped in his chair. This was not how he had wanted to spend his afternoon. 

"You know," said a tiny voice in his ear, "I've kinda wanted to hear this song again." Glys was hidden inside Renarin's jacket, but the two could still hear each other clearly. "Yes, it's vulgar, but you can't deny that it's...catchy."

"So are rotspren, alcohol, and the Unmade," Renarin mumbled back. "Doesn't make them good."

"Hey!" Glys started. "My _mother_ is one of the Unmade! It's rude to disrespect a man's mother, Renarin."

"I meant the other Unmade - excluding her. And you're a spren, not a man."

Glys's retort was muffled by deep electronic bass and a looping statement that there were whores in this house. Renarin could feel his spren vibrating along to the beat, alongside the rapid decay of every one of his own brain cells.

Elhokar considered the beat for a moment, then slowly began to bob his head back and forth. Adolin responded with a loud cheer of "THERE SOME WHORES IN THIS HOUSE!" Renarin closed his eyes and began to wonder why he loved these people.

_"I said, certified freak - "_

"Seven days a week!" Adolin yelled along. The lyric made no sense, as there were five days in a Rosharan week, but that didn't seem to bother the other two.

_"Wet-ass pussy, make that pullout game weak!"_

"WHAT?!" Elhokar screamed, his eyes wide. He seemed more surprised than disgusted.

Adolin laughed, his devious grin more evident now. He struggled to sing along through his inane giggling. "Yeah, you fuckin' with some wet-ass pussy - "

"THAT'S what W-A-P stands for?!" The king's voice grew higher in pitch, which only made Adolin laugh harder. 

"Cousin, what on Roshar have you gotten me into?" Elhokar asked, sounding weary. Adolin responded by rapping along with the first verse.

"Beat it up, baby, catch a charge, extra large and extra hard - "

Elhokar began to laugh - the absurdity must have broken him down. He started to speak again, but was interrupted by a new presence in the room.

"Adolin, can you turn your music down?" Father shouted from the doorway. 

_Well,_ Renarin thought. _This is the day I die due to my older brother's stupidity. Goodbye, cruel world, it was terrible while it lasted -_

_"Hop on top, I wanna ride, I do a kegel while it's inside - "_

Father started at the lyrics. "What on Roshar is going on in here?"

Adolin managed to stop laughing long enough to yell, "I want you to park that big Mack truck right in this little garage!"

Father's jaw dropped, in a way that was admittedly kind of hilarious. Renarin thought he heard him say, "Who _allowed_ this?!"

_"I don't cook, I don't clean - "_

" - but let me tell ya how I got this ring." Navani strode into the room, a glass of wine in her hand and a look of absolute amusement on her face. 

Adolin and Navani locked eyes. Then they both said at once, "Gobble me, swallow me, drop down the side of me, quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me - "

Father looked at them both, seeming both disappointed and disgusted. He turned to his other son, and Renarin could feel his father's despair radiating from across the room. Renarin shared a similar look with him, then brought his feet up onto his chair and rested his head on his knees. Perhaps limiting this torture to only one sense would make it more tolerable.

"Talk yo shit," Navani and Adolin continued, "bite yo lip, ask for a car while you ride that dick - "

 _"What?!"_ Elhokar shrieked.

"Blood of my ancestors…" Father murmured.

" - he already made his mind up 'fore he came!"

"Now get yo boots and yo coat - " A new voice. Wasn't that - 

"LIFT, NO," everyone yelled. Renarin looked up to see the Reshi girl, who was definitely too young for this - no older than _thirteen._

"Oh, come on," she said through a mouthful of..something. Probably someone else's lunch. "I learned way worse cusses when I was only seven - "

 _"Out,_ Lift," Father ordered. The girl left, but not before making a rude hand gesture.

" _Pay my tuition just to kiss me on this wet-ass pussy - "_

Elhokar wheezed again, but stifled more laughter when his uncle glared at him. Father then turned to Adolin. "Adolin, what is the meaning of this?"

"Oh, no," Renarin whispered to Glys. "Adolin's about to get Blackthorned."

"I thought the _meaning_ of this was pretty obvious," Adolin said, a stupid grin spreading across his face.

"If you need someone to help you understand, I volunteer," Navani said, raising her hand. Father's face turned bright red. Renarin groaned and turned away, trying his best to scrub _that_ mental image from his mind. Elhokar made a small disturbed noise, and even Adolin cringed a little.

"You know what I meant, son," Father said, his face hardening. "This isn't exactly a good look for the coalition. If this were to get out to our potential allies - "

"It won't," said Adolin, his eyes flickering towards the open window right behind him.

"Roshar is screwed," Renarin whispered.

"Oh, the best part is coming up!" said Navani. "Everybody listen!"

_"I don't wanna spit, I wanna gulp, I wanna gag, I wanna choke - "_

As the headache-inducing bass continued, Renarin heard the quiet creak of a door. He looked over to see Kaladin and Shallan peeking into the room.

"I WANT YOU TO TOUCH THAT LITTLE DANGLY THING THAT SWING IN THE BACK OF MY THROAT!" Adolin and Navani yelled.

Without a word, Kaladin turned around and left. His exit was covered by Elhokar's high-pitched squeal of a laugh and Father's loud "oh my GOD."

Adolin and Navani didn't stop. "My head game is fire, punani Dasani - "

Over by the door, Shallan's face had turned bright red. However, instead of making the sane choice like Kaladin had, she stepped further into the room.

"I ride on that thing like the cops is behind me, I spit on his mic and now he's tryna sign me, your honor I'm a freak bitch - "

"Does this godforsaken song ever end?!" Father yelled. That finally got Adolin and Navani to break from their rapping to laugh some more. Navani almost spilled her wine, and Elhokar was slowly sliding down to the floor.

"In the food chain," Adolin continued, still struggling through laughter, "I'm the one that eat ya, if he ate my ass, he's a bottom feeder - "

"ALRIGHT THEN." Father began to stride toward the door. Shallan slid out of his way as he marched into the hall.

"Oh, hey, babe!" Adolin said, noticing her. He smiled innocently, like a child who wanted to show you an interesting rock they had found. This was juxtaposed with the song declaring that _"if he don't hang, then he can't bang."_

"What the _fuck_ is happening?" Shallan asked. Renarin had never heard a serious curse from her before. But then again, she had never walked in on her significant other blaring a song called Wet-Ass Pussy before. Probably. To Renarin's knowledge.

Before Adolin could respond, Navani sang, "If he fuck me and ask, 'whose is it?', when I ride the dick, I'mma spell my name." She took a sip of her wine. Elhokar put his head in his hands.

"Is that saying 'there's some whores in this house'?" Shallan asked.

"Yep!" Adolin said, trying not to laugh.

_"Yeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussy - "_

Shallan's jaw dropped. For a moment, Renarin thought she might have the same reaction he'd had - shock and disgust, followed by three minutes of begging Adolin to turn it off. But after a moment, something changed in her expression. She began to laugh - a deep bellow of amusement. "This is AMAZING," she said between wheezes.

"Now from the top, make it drop, that's some wet-ass pussy!" Adolin and Navani rejoined for the final chorus. "Now get a bucket and a mop - "

"A bucket and a mop?!" Shallan yelled, alarmed. "This woman's state of arousal must be a logistical nightmare!" Even Renarin had to admit that was funny. It was the first and only laugh this song would ever get out of him. And it wasn't even the song itself, it was someone making fun of the song.

"MACARONI IN A POT, THAT'S SOME WET-ASS PUSSY!" Navani and Adolin yelled for the finale. 

"...you know what, that's not even worth questioning," Shallan said. "If this girl wants to compare her vagina to macaroni, I guess that's her right."

"Holy SHIT," Elhokar yelled once the song had faded out. His face was bright red - of embarrassment or laughter? Renarin wasn't sure. "Mother, do I want to know why you know all the lyrics to that?"

"Probably not," Navani admitted."It'd be better for your innocence to just go with it."

"Hey!" Elhokar objected. "I have a wife and son, you know. I'm less 'innocent' than Adolin is!"

Navani chuckled. "Oh, you soft spring breeze…" She sipped from the last dregs of her wine glass.

"Hey, Renarin?" Glys said from inside his jacket. "To be honest, I don't even know what half of those lyrics mean. Like, what's it mean to eat someone's ass?"

"Ask me that question again and I'm breaking our bond," Renarin whispered, halfway serious.

"Oh my GOD," Elhokar said, rising to his feet. "Next time I see Wit, I am owed one free punch to his face."

"Unlikely," said Shallan. "He'll either talk you out of it, or talk you into punching yourself."

"Well, folks, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be grounded for life as soon as I step out of this room," said Adolin. "So, while I'm here...do any of you know 'Anaconda?'"

Renarin groaned. This was going to be a _long_ day.


End file.
